Thursday, July 12, 2012

Baptist Chareidim

I came across a blog called “Stuff Fundies Like,” a Baptist Fundamentalist analog of the blogs of the Jewish-skeptisphere. As always, I was struck by the similarities between fundamentalist versions of religions. Not so much in the post I was reading (Top 10 Things Fundies Expect People To Say), but in the comments:

“I’m so glad you taught me the importance of swimming in a shirt and pants. It makes swimming so much easier!”

“Thank you for suddenly opening my eyes to the great depravity inherent in shoulders and knees.”

“Hi neighbor, I noticed that your wife never wears pants. Even when she is gardening. How can I be sure if I were to be hit by a bus today that I would go to heaven?”

“Thanks for letting me know that all men are lying in wait to sexually assault me at the first sign of skin. Even Pastor! I’m so glad I know now that their self-control is MY responsibility.”


“I noticed that your family never plays in the yard on Sunday. What must I do to be saved?”

Many yeshivish/chassidish people consider playing ball on Shabbos to be “not Shabbosdick.”

“Are you sure the standards in this church are strict enough? Shouldn’t they be stricter? I need more rules!”


“I was going to get saved but then I saw you leaving the movie theater with your family. Now I’ve changed my mind and it is all your fault.”

I was told by my rabbeim that we have a responsibility as yeshiva bochurim to act in a certain way, because people would judge Yiddishkeit by our actions.

“You graduated from Fundy U? With an unaccredited theology degree? That’s enough for me, you’re hired!”

Getting a job after beis medrash/Kollel.

“I was SO IMPRESSED by the way you bowed your head for so long in prayer before you ate your meal at the restaurant and how you left that tract”

Bentching, Breslovers distributing their pamphlets.

“After seeing your book burning the other night at the church, I’ve realized that I need to be more totally surrendered to your cause and remove all my “idols” from my home like my tv, dvd player, and xbox.”

Wasn’t some rav burning a dumpster full of TVs a few months ago?

“Thank you for your teaching on Homosexuality. I will no longer have any sympathy for Gays”

“You never drink, go to concerts, movies or sports events, watch television, or do anything fun? Tell me how to get saved so I can have such a fulfilling happy life!”

“Pastor: I am going to be retiring soon and would like you to consider hiring my nephew to take over the pastorate when I am gone.

He was a youth pastor in Connecticut and then replaced his father as pastor at a church in California (after his father was caught in adultery), so he brings in a lot of varied experience. My nephew has apologized for molesting the youths and for sleeping with several married women and has put all this behind him.”

How many roshei yeshiva inherit their positions? To say nothing of Rebbes. And the Agudah’s current stance on molestation.

“You must have the truth since you get so passionate in defending your faith when people ask you difficult questions. I don’t blame you for not answering them, and rebuking those who question you.”

How dare you ask such questions, you apikores?! There are no questions, only answers!

“-We’re strangers to each other, but I noticed that you and your sons are wearing slacks and collared shirts, while your wife and daughters are wearing ankle-length skirts. Clearly you must have the answers to all that pertains to life and godliness.

-I noticed that you refuse to put anything else on top of your Bible. What must I do to be saved?

-I was looking at your military-style hair cut and your fifties style clothing, and I realized that I could read the gospel all over you, even though I have never been in a church or heard of Jesus before.”

Dressing strangely is religiously virtuous, not putting anything on top of seforim.